When it comes to relationships – I am a mess.
More than a mess – pathetic. I am indecisive, anxious, and far from confident. And it is not because I don’t know who or what I want, just a debilitating fear of pursuing it. Why? For failure? Rejection? Perhaps. But also for the fear that I will, if successful in my pursuit, mess things up more than they already are. How fucked up is that? Fear of commitment, fear of failure, fear of success. In my own little screwed up world, I just can’t win.
And that, by god, is a depressing statement. For fear of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw (I’ll refrain from using the statement “I couldn’t help but wonder”)- why is it at this point in my life, when I have so many good things working for me – school, AIESEC, Egypt – that all I can focus on is the fact that I am missing out on this aspect of life. It is not for lack of wanting – just for lack of, I don’t know, balls I guess. I know what I want, just not how to get it.
Just going to continue to get the shit kicked out of me by love, I guess.